I'm not writing this from the view of a wise man, no one reads me anyway, but the present is willing to be some kind of guide for those who still know what it's like to have a goal.. and how hard holding on to it actually is.
I personally wasn't born either in a wealthy family, either with outstanding will, so here I stand again in front of the screen, trying to pursue myself. Following your dreams is damn hard, it's not like in the movies.. once you raised your head - boom - everything changes. Not at all, life actually fucks up your plans as often as possible, and as bad as possible. You'll be unlucky in every strugle you have, you'll see the wealthy and the outstanding characters continuously stealing it all right before your eyes, you'll feel angry, restless, helpless, and you'll repeatedly condamn the world of injustice. You'll victimize yourself, you'll give up, then you'll try again, because you wouldn't feel good about yourself, if you don't keep on trying..
Thing is, most of the time, you just don't get there. You may struggle for years, or at least live under the impression that you were struggling, and get ..well, shit. And if you get there, you know that you will eventually have enough. You will decide that there's nothing you could do anymore, and surrender to the evilness and injustice of the world, and then live the rest of your life resignedly, reducing your goals to managing to teach your children that the world is bad and dreaming just ain't worth it.
Right? May all the adults that work in factories and waste their remaining lifetime dealing with the stress, clap their hands like they feel good about it.
Well, me, raised by such adults, just wouldn't give up. I wouldn't see myself doing what they're doing, it's sad. I had a dream - literally a dream -, it turned into a idea, then into a goal, and so I followed it. I wanted: to go to college in Japan.
It's been about 5 fuckin' years since I decided that that was my supreme goal. I should actually have been there already - here is the problem. Now I studied japanese for three to four years. I fought to get the best grades in highschool, I read a lot about Japan, I tried so hard to get hired and put some money aside, to be more organised and punctual..
But, of course, my bad luck ruined it all!
I couldn't get hired because people are mean, they want youngsters with experience, which is impossible.. I didn't go very far with the japanese because.. I don't have a teacher and there are unanswered questions and I can't move on.. I got a 6.6 at the exams and it ruined it all - I'm just not good at history! why did it have to be history?!.. and, my parents kept holding me down, and.. why am I not born in a rich family? I can't even afford the medical exams for my application file.. and, I will have to take some exams, at math for example, and I didn't really do good math in highschool, it was another profile.. and why math when I go on with the same profile.. and there's not even the "shrink" option on the application request.. like, I don't wanna be a literature teacher or a lawyer! What if they don't even have that profile there? And, all of a sudden, when I want to put my file finally, my graduation diploma just dissapears! And it costs me enormously to have it back, also, it takes just as much time to make me miss the opportunity!.. :((
So, this morning I realised.. BULLSHIT
That whole paragraph that held me against my goal for an entire year is all bullshit!
Actually, I didn't get hired because I was too stubborn to accept criticism and people ignoring me, and I just couldn't resist to the feeling of not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. I didn't get hired where I wanted it, so I just rebelled against every other option. I didn't study japanese for three to four years, because most of the time I was too LAZY for it. I would ussually do it for about three months a year, dedicatedly, and the rest was resumes, because I would've forgotten all of it.. I got that 6.6 at the final exams because I was too LAZY to study more than the night before for an exam of that importance! I could've done much better, and I know it. My parents only tried to keep me away from dissapointings, while I was constantly dissapointing them, wasting my days and nights with several lovers, spending their money on junk food, watching movies, playing videogames, having sex and oversleeping, week after week, 24/7. All those money I bought popcorn and chocolate with all those days, they would've been more than enough for the paperwork, medical exams, getting back the diploma, taking the passport type pictures required and so on.. For the math exam, well, of course it would be as easy as in high school, because it was in the same profile! If I only had rewinded the pages of my math notebook, I would have passed it! But no, I had thrown it away, along with my reason. The shrink option.. well, why didn't I just call the embassy and fuckin ask about everything I was uncertain of?!!
And, I didn't put the file one year ago, because I thought I cannot without the highschool to be finished. Actually, I didn't find the time to just click a little on the embassy's site and find out I didn't actually need that. -_- Now, how ignorant was I?..
The truth is, I lied to myself a lot, to feel comfortable. Because I was afraid. Everything was actually unknown to me, and I didn't feel up to the expectations at all.. My goal, it was actually so blurred and uneasy in my head.. nothing concrete. So I felt, and I still feel, so far from it.. I should've made it feel real, in order to get closer, but thinking about it every day just wasn't enough. 'cause, you see, I didn't care to make it clearer. All I needed to do is leave the computer alone, with all its temptations, and call them, ask my questions, go there and talk to people who have some idea, read about them, watch photos with them, get to know what I actually have to do. I was acting like a child so far, waiting for people to push me before I could take some action. But, I'm not even shy anymore. But I do lack will, as long as I couldn't figure it out what kept me away, as long as I couldn't see it clearly..
So now I advise you all, that are fighting for something and are as bad as I was at it, it's not the world you're living in, it's not the bad luck, the injustice, the family or the environment.. it's the darkness in your mind that always sabotages you. You are the problem. Pay attention to you.
I wish you to feel this revelation-like happiness and hope, like I do now, realising how stupid I am.
Because, you know, once you realised it, it means you got to another level, and maybe - just maybe - you're not that stupid anymore. :)
